What's Al Bundy got to do with it?

I get a giggle from hubby every time he walks into the living room and sees me laying on the couch.  Not because I might be wearing knee high socks with shorts, not because I'm watching Teen Mom or Jersey Shore, but because I've got my hands in my pants like Al Bundy.  Yep that's right, I said it, hands in my pants.   We've all done it, so don't judge! 

Pain is an interesting phenomena, and I'm still getting used to it.  Also, I'm getting used to saying, that I'm used to it. How crazy is that!?  I've learned to adjust to the pain, in turn, making me "used" to the pain.  For example, at work, I pull out my bottom left drawer so I can raise my leg and can lean back in my chair at just the right angle.  Meetings are difficult because there is no way to adjust to a comfortable position in front of people, without looking super awkward. When driving, I've started taking different routes to avoid rough roads and potholes. I don't really enjoy restaurants these days, because chairs and booths are the worst.  Pretty much, my favorite place is my couch or my bed.  This is where, in the comfort of my own home, I can pull the Al Bundy move and put my hands in my pants.  The separation between the skin and the fabric is a fantastic relief.  I guess I didn't even know that I was doing this until Shawn (a.k.a. hubby!) started pointing this out on a regular basis.  Ha! 

Relief or more grief? This is a question that runs through my thoughts over and over again.  Am I going to experience relief, or more grief?  I am a glass half full kind of person, I am a positive person, and I like to think that I'm going to have great relief. In fact, I have been saying more and more the past few days, that I am really looking forward to surgery.  Still, there is this little voice in the back of my head that chirps, "What if this doesn't work?  What if the surgeon finds endo that she cannot remove? What if she finds cancer? What if she has to remove an ovary? What if the initial incision bursts the cyst and I have toxic fluid running throughout my abdomen? What if I end up with a laparotomy and a 5 inch incision anyway? What if? What if? What if?" I've honestly tried to stop posing these questions to myself, even though they are there.  I'm scared, it's only natural. SO! I have started to view the actual surgery taking place. The surgeon(s) making the incisions, inserting the instruments and performing the actual surgery.  I picture them removing all of the endometriosis. I picture my ovaries being able to "breathe" again, being free from the suffocation of the endometrioma. I envision having less pain, less bloating, stabbing, cramping, twisting, and pulling.  I had my first dream about surgery two nights ago.  I woke up feeling like I had already had my surgery, weeks ago and I was healed.  In my dream, I remember examining my incisions and thinking "huh, wasn't that bad."  This is my hope, to be a few days,weeks and months post surgery reflecting that it was the best thing I've done for myself in a long time.  Why should anyone live in pain?  

I feel so much for those that have been diagnosed with Cancer, Fibromyalgia, MS, Chron's, Lupus, and the list goes on.  I realize that I do not have a life threatening diagnosis. I realize that in the end, surgery will bring relief. I know that I am not the only one to have pain, nor will I be the last.  I have said multiple times that I can understand how people that suffer from pain, get depressed. I can see why people become addicted to pain medication.  Now, I can sympathize with those that live or have lived with pain.   I understand that it's not as easy as just saying "Pop a motrin and you'll feel better." Pain is something that becomes very internal and it's not something you really want to talk about; it's embarrassing, unforgiving, ugly, silent and constant.  I am SO thankful for the support system that I have around me. I feel like my family and friends are my buoys, holding me up, keeping me afloat and I can't thank them enough.  I think about those in my family that have had to endure multiple surgeries, and some that have more to come.  Shit, I'm having a 2ish hour procedure, so if they can get through THAT, then of course I can do THIS!  In two weeks at this time, I'll be writing about this experience from the flip side, and for that I'm so thankful! Until then, I'll just have to Al Bundy my way through it.